Two years ago, Jean Lloyd, now a senior at King’s College in Wilkes-Barre, PA, was in charge of public relations for King’s campus events. At that time, the organization’s president was always doing other members’ jobs for them because she felt she couldn’t depend on them to do it. She worked on the budget without the treasurer and planned trips without the excursions chair. She even stayed in the office late at night doing work, never asking other members for help.

Lloyd knew the president’s behavior was unhealthy for both the president and the group, but she was hesitant to speak up. She wanted to avoid disagreement and confrontation; Lloyd never saw a difference between “healthy conflict” and “fighting.”

Thanks to Judith Plummer, leadership educator at King’s, and her leadership course, Lloyd learned that a difference in opinion could be productive. She decided to sit down and to talk with the president. “I admit it was tough,” said Lloyd. “But I found out that she had some personal problems going on, and afterwards, things started to improve with campus events.”

A Classroom Exercise
It’s the negative connotation students like Lloyd initially associate with conflict that intrigues Plummer. When teaching “Controversy with Civility,” one of the values in Helen and Alexander Astins’ Social Change Model of Leadership Development, she uses an activity that forces students to brainstorm with themselves. “I want students to get in touch with how they feel about conflict,” said Plummer.

Plummer asks students to write down the first words that come to mind when they hear the word “conflict.” The activity started as a group exercise, and that’s when she discovered students had this negative view of conflict. Plummer changed it to an individual exercise, and the results were the same. “Semester after semester, it was a validation that students spontaneously think of conflict in a negative way.”

After students choose their words, Plummer asks them to read their first word aloud, while she compiles a list on the board. Then she describes different levels of conflict and what these levels may escalate to if not handled effectively. “It was stressed that communication is a key point of discussion while handling conflict,” said King’s student Rachel Courtney.

The Myths
In teaching this lesson on “Controversy with Civility,” Plummer’s educational goal is to zero in on the two biggest myths about conflict. The first is that conflict is negative. “[Conflict] is not negative or positive; it just is. It’s a reality in our lives,” believes Plummer. “Conflict is a difference in how you see reality; it’s inevitable.”

The second myth is that conflict is a contest. “Most people, in my experience, haven’t really made the connection of how critical it is in a conflict situation to try to understand from the other person’s point of view before you try to have the other person understand your point of view,” urges Plummer.

Plummer feels once those involved in a conflict situation make this connection, the tension begins to diffuse – the dialogue becomes a mutual dialogue. “If the persons involved aren’t listening empathetically, the conflict escalates,” she said. “Then the difference in viewpoints becomes exasperated.”

Plummer reminds students that listening with empathy doesn’t mean you have to come to an agreement with the person. “Most people think you have to agree and that’s how you resolve conflict,” she said. “It’s just important that you’re respecting where the other person is coming from.”

The Source
Plummer didn’t always have a positive view of conflict. She’s the perfect example of someone who once viewed conflict negatively. “I interiorized it when I was very young that conflict was negative,” she admitted. “Given my idealist temperament, that’s all I needed to unconsciously avoid conflict at all costs.”

She was first introduced to the concept of conflict resolution in a workshop sponsored by the Northeastern Pennsylvania Interfaith Resource Center for Peace and Justice. “That’s when I got the initial spark to try to understand the importance of listening to another point of view,” said Plummer.

Many students feel these negative connotations about conflict come from authority figures and an individual’s environment growing up. “I feel the way conflict is viewed is a learned behavior,” said Courtney. “I know that I was always taught that it was not polite to argue and to agree with authority.”

“I think it has a lot to do with how [people] are raised,” said Lloyd. “I don’t think authority figures make a clear difference between ‘fighting’ and ‘healthy conflict’. When children fight, it’s easier to just hush them up and move on, rather than spend the time actually resolving what started the conflict.”

While Plummer agrees that most of her generation view conflict negatively, she also blames the media. “What appears in the media seems to emphasize the negative aspects of conflict because it makes a great sensational article,” she explains. “There’s a tendency for the conflict not to be resolved. There’s no emphasis on characters listening with empathy and then moving ahead.”

Leadership
When working in a group, conflict is inevitable; therefore, it’s essential that leaders know how to work out conflicts effectively. Plummer gave me an example: If you’re on a team and someone is always being a hothead, instead of dismissing them, a good leader will sit them aside and say, “Hey, what’s going on?” “This is what separates leaders,” she believes. “It makes you a better team player, and the people you’re working with will know you’ll try to understand their point of view.”

Students feel they can apply the things they learned about conflict to their involvement in extracurricular activities. “I meet a lot of different people in all of my activities, and no matter how hard we try, people almost never agree right away on activities and events,” admitted Lloyd. “Using skills like active listening and trying to understand others’ point of view has helped me in all of the organizations I’m involved with.”

“Making discussion and talking about things that may potentially result in conflict, helps to gain a better understanding of the diverse group of people you are actually working with,” said Courtney. “And you learn to appreciate varying points of view.”

These skills can make you a better conversationalist as well. “It’s easy to ignore what the person you are talking to has to say because you’re only thinking about what you want to say next,” said King’s student Jeffrey Harrington. “Remembering some conflict skills helps me take the time to really hear the person I’m talking to. It makes conversations more productive.”

Plummer believes the more effectively someone can deal with conflict, the deeper the quality of their relationships will be. “It brings about meaningful dialogue, and as a result, the relationship deepens because you share things that are important to you.”